Most of the Christians I know are wonderful, compassionate, and reasonable people. However, I also know some fiercely anti-scientific Christian extremists. To poke some fun at them, I decided to satirize them by taking the position of one such extremist and posting a series of comments in an online discussion about several articles in the scientific journal Nature. Here are some of the hilarious highlights of this satirical experiment:
”Politicians who reject Jesus are not fit to lead.”
After numerous links to scientific journals were posted: “Wow, so much ‘scientific’ hogwash. The only science I need is the true science: Genesis.
Evolution? You mean evolopinion.
Creation is all I need to know and I already have the answer to every scientific question about “why does this happen?”, namely,
“Because God wills it.”
I have theories too.
I believe the moon may in fact be made of cheese. Swiss cheese.
And my theory is just like evolution: a mere theory, totally unsupported by fact.”
After someone suggested that the fossil record provides ample evidence and support for evolution: “Bones in Africa? You mean those fakes planted by “scientists” in their vain attempt to prove their own theories and disprove God’s FACT?”
I already get a monthly subscription to the best science journal of all: The Bible.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go learn about physics from the Psalms.”
”Jesus is the only true thing about quantum physics. All of the rest is gibberish written by the devil to attract followers and confuse true believers in the Faith.”
“I feel sorry for all of these scientists who waste so much time and money in laboratories. I have the only laboratory I’ll ever need: Church.
And I only spend one hour a week there and the only money I need to pay for the science I learn there is 5 dollars. For the collection plate.”
”The only reason anyone ever feels loneliness is because they don’t have enough Jesus in their lives. If you just went through a break up, don’t look on a dating website: look at the cross. Don’t talk to your friends: talk to Jesus. He’s the only lover you’ll ever need. If I could marry anyone, it would be Jesus. Others may break your heart by dying. But he won’t. He broke death. By Resurrection. And that means that anytime you want, you can walk hand in hand with Jesus, on a private beach for two.”
”If evolution is a fact, then why don’t humans have raptor claws? I rest my case. Consider evolution falsified. QED.”
”Chemistry has perpetuated the lie that human beings were formed out of a variety of basic chemical elements. This science fiction has been decisively disproven by Scriptural fact: if you read the Bible you’ll find out that humans were made out of only one element: dirt.”
”Either scientists are wrong or Jesus is. Jesus can walk on water; scientists can’t. Therefore, science is wrong.”